April 3, 2011

Over the Shoulder Boulder Holder

Sometimes being a woman just sucks, doesn't it?

I am going to approach a delicate subject here - bras. For me, buying a new bra is like buying tires. You don't want to, but you know you need to. Maybe you drive around without as much tread as you should. Then one day, you have a blow out and you are faced with the inevitable. You HAVE to buy new tires. Well, that's what happened to me, but within the delicate world of bras. The last time I bought a bra, I was living in Florida. That was almost fourteen years ago. During that fourteen year period, I have gained a lot of weight. Unfortunately, bras don't grow with you. They will stretch with you until they can't stretch anymore, but they don't grow. I had the worst looking bras you ever saw and just prayed nobody besides me would ever see them. Then one day recently, I had a pain on the left side of my chest. I had been experiencing muscle pain for some time in my upper chest, but thought it was stress. I made an appointment with my doctor. Verdict? Mammogram to be on the safe side - new bra because it is necessary. Really? I can't wear this one for another fifteen years? I recruited Mom and headed to the store. They had some professional bra fitters there. Oh great! They're going to see my bra and report me to the National Bra Council for neglect! (Is there a National Bra Council?) Bless that wonderful woman! She measured me with my shirt on. Holy Moly! I wear that size now? What was that again? Surely I heard you wrong. Believe me, I am not bragging! I was flat chested for many years - before children - and I had accepted it. I come from a long line of flat chested women on my Mom's side. I was truly cool with it.

Let's flash back about 30 years ago. When I was a kid, we would visit my grandmother, on Daddy's side, on her farm in Tennessee. She had this 'contraption' that would hang on her wardrobe. We had NO idea what it was, but it looked like it took about two or three people to lace it up and tighten it onto you. Why would anybody have to wear something like that - said a very flat chested teenager.

Now we are back to the dressing room yesterday. I had walked past all these really cute bras. Underwires, floral prints, animal prints, black, white, red, lacy, you name it, they had it. The woman measures me and then says she'll be right back. Does she bring me an adorable little leopard skin bra with lace? No. She brought me freakin' body armor! Really? How on earth do you get all those hooks hooked up behind your back without any assistance. Then it hit me - I have become my grandmother! The lady finally came back with a bra that fastened in the front. Thank goodness. I could finally see what I was doing. Instantly my shoulders went back. My posture was 100% improved. She commented on the fact that 'they' were finally where they belonged and not down where they were. Gee, thanks.

We endure so many things - our 'monthly', childbirth, menopause and the joys of bras. Or as my sister eloquently put it - Over the Shoulder Boulder Holders. Ain't it great to be a woman?

1 comment:

Linda said...

You absolutely live in my closet! roflol.. You must watch every minute of the day every thing that happens to me! Hilarious post.. and hits the nail right on the head... ;o)